Windows, I wish I knew how to quit you
My temptress, seductress and abuser. A glossy pearl that brings so much joy and so much pain: Windows. I am loathe you, but I can’t live without you.
This post is all about my temptress, seductress and nemesis. A glossy pearl that brings me so much joy, yet at the same time brings out the Ike Turner in me.
Windows. I am looking at you.
Our story begins with my work. To pay the rent, I pimp myself out as a hired IT gun. Think of me like Tom Cruise from Collateral. Except instead of causing 187s, I diagnose error code 354s.
So today I came into my client site, turned on my laptop like I do each day, and wait for my wireless to connect…and wait…and wait. Nothing. For no good reason, today my computer decides that its going to be a little punk bitch and not let me connect to my client’s guest wireless.
There I sat. For 1.5 hours, with 2 fingers, firmly planted, in my ass. Then all by itself, for no apparent reason at all, Windows connects!
That’s fucked up. I think I am a fairly competent Windows operator, yet I have no idea what to do when faced with these situations. The “Diagnose Connection” option is about as useful as Nintendo Wii is for Stephen Hawking. I wonder if there is anybody in the modern world who has ever clicked on “Diagnose Connection” and actually had it return anything useful?
So then I wonder…
What kind of retard PM in COSD designed this feature? Asking me to run “Diagnose connection” to troubleshoot a network error has the same chance of success as running a Scandisk has to fix a broken mouse.
The calendar says 2011, but I am sure Windows thinks its 1993
I put up with so much shit when it comes to Windows. It’s 2011, the US government just put a 9mm hole through Osama Bin Laden’s left eye after hearing one dude’s name dropped once 4 years go. Yet Windows still acts like it was 1993 and I was using Netscape 2.2.
Don’t believe me? I have one word for you:
It blows my mind that Apple can re-invent the computing paradigm in 5 years, yet I can’t trust to have my Windows computer running in the morning the way I left it before I went to bed?
That’s fucked up. I understand the technical reasons why a computer needs to reboot due to a Windows Update. Yet still, 20 years after NT was first introduced, after countless promises to “eliminate reboots”, even now, in Windows 7, the damn thing keeps rebooting on its own.
I just ordered a order of Daal, with 2 naans and 2 samosas, all from my phone, in about 3 clicks. Yet, I still can’t go to bed with my computer on.
I don’t want to be a Task Manager assassin anymore…
I tell ya, sometimes I feel like I am George W Bush, and Task Manager are the hills of Helmand, Afghanistan. I go through, kill any extraneous process which might be running, and then boom, 5 minutes later, those motherfuckers are back in there: Eating my cpu. Sucking my RAM. Faulting my hard drive.
I hate that in order to keep my computer running at full-speed, I have to keep Task Manager literally pinned to my deskbar. Why does iexplore.exe launch 37 different task instances anytime I want to check my gmail? Why does the SearchIndexer.exe constantly run and take 15-18% of my CPU time?
And so there you have it…
I want to break free. But I can’t. Just like Tina, I always come back.